In a Nightmare

     I’m so numb right now, it might actually take me several minutes to register what’s going on around me. Maybe by recounting the events where I can actually see them written down will help. So, mom wants to be out of this house by May 1st no matter what. She just got a part-time job as a post-office worker and it’s a great start. Today was Kelly’s mom’s birthday so I texted her but didn’t call her. Kelly was upset about that. Today, Josh was supposed to come over for the day but he cancelled because he felt sick so we made plans for tomorrow. He called me at 9:19pm to tell me he’s thinking of cancelling AGAIN (not just two days in a row but nearly every single time) because, even though he already made plans with me, the temple he goes to needs volunteers to help out with something or other. It’s always something. After I did so much for him and far more than he realizes yet…Mom’s really disappointed and doesn’t want us hanging out anytime soon because she saw how I was today. I’m not even going to write how I felt today because I’m sure everyone has that feeling after being brushed off for something more important. True, that event that he is talking about is not important to me but after plans are already made. I’m really disappointed too. I feel completely unimportant and after feeling like I did all day today, finally making promising plans, and then them just being shoved aside again. I can’t choose for him, and I’m not going to. I left it up to him, and I know what he’s going to choose because he chooses it every time. The temple and everyone else but me. It’s fine. I should be used to it by now. After all, I’ve been ignored my entire life by my biological father that has always lived in the same house as me. Yeah, I’m really upset right now and I will be every time I think of Josh (all the time). I’m not going to handle the stress anymore. I’m just going to let it all flow instead of holding it back with a dam. My own best friend, who knows how punctual I am, who knows I don’t like last-minute plans or changes to plans, who knows that…What am I saying? He should know but I guess he chooses to overlook those things for everyone else’s benefits. I will say this here to everyone and I am not ashamed of it: the only reason I got back into contact with as many people from MSA as possible was because and for Josh. MSA has never shown me kindness and very few of its students ever did. I was rid of everything to do with MSA except those who stood by me for a year and a half! I had (and still have) no reason to turn around and go back. But I did it because Josh would feel better if I was involved and my past friends would also feel better. Why can’t anyone do something selfless for me?

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