Alone. All I want to do is scream that word over and over and over again to the emptiness of the night. I am a good person who helps everyone I meet and once again, tonight, after so many promises… Well, I absolutely give up. I will allow the people around me to change me. Believe me, they have. Already I have told Kelly quite rudely to tell his family to get off my back. I seriously doubt that I will be speaking to Roger again in two weeks after all of the crap that he assumed without speaking to me about it. I am sick and tired of people and I will treat them as they treat me. My being nice has never gotten me anywhere. I still have not heard from Josh and I more than likely will not. I will now become one of the world’s biggest bitches. Oh wait, I already have been according to everyone. Aren’t they in for a rude awakening?
After being in severe pain for the past two days or so, my mom finally dragged me to the chiropractor. I’m not even going to relay the situation that occurred with Kelly over that. So, I go in and sitting there is an artist and her husband, who just happens to be a college professor. The four of us start talking before I went in to see the doctor. She was extremely friendly but it did make me laugh that she kept saying that “Kelly is such a great guy.” She heard from the secretary/assistant that I’m a writer and we immediately started talking about it. It felt good to have a complete stranger be so enthusiastic about my writing from just the short time I had to explain the Amulet Series to her. After the extremely painful appointment (lol), I came out feeling a ton better and behold, there in the waiting room sat an author! Dr. Joanie introduced us and I found out some tips on how to get published as well as some other advice. It was quite a lot of fun and it was well worth the time going in to fix my right hip. See! If I hadn’t have waited almost a month to get this fixed, I would never have met those other people. It’s awesome how events manage to work themselves out. ;p
No college for me. Kelly went back on everything he said and refuses to pay anything that concerns me (other than child support, but that’s only because the law requires him to). I’m not sure who precisely reads this so I am not going to post my true emotions on this matter. Yes, this is my blog but just in case, I won’t explain everything fully until this is all over and done with. The one fact is that I am not going to talk to Kelly ever again after this. For those of you out there who say “but he’s your father,” save it because you have no clue. Even if you were in a similar situation, you’re not in my situation so don’t pretend that you know what you’re saying. I’m probably going to lose a lot of readers for speaking my mind. If you don’t like it, take a hike. I’m tired of people expecting me to not be me around them. In case you’re all wondering, Josh and I are inseparable now. However, another old ex-friend abruptly loomed out of the dust that consists of my path. Let’s call him ‘Roger.’ Roger expects to be friends again but once more, doesn’t want to put any effort into it. I will put this here openly and without regret: it’s not going to work out so I’m not even bothering. He blames me because he thinks I expect him to change. I’m sorry but he’s the one who used to diss everything I ever did from the music I listen to right down to insulting my writing. That is unforgivable and if he thinks I’ve forgotten, I can tell exactly when, where, and how he insulted me each and every time. I don’t forget and I don’t forgive easily. It’s always fun to try to get the hell away from people like that. They always manage to hunt you down and then lurk, expecting you to help them with everything and thinking that you owe them everything. Screw that! I don’t owe anyone anything. I get myself through everything and I always have. It will remain that way.
Well, Kelly decided to throw in one more punch. He’s trying to make it very clear that I will not be starting college on this coming May 2nd but rather that I will be starting March 28th of 2012, if at all. I cannot express how extremely livid I am at the moment. Kelly is now claiming “I have no money, I have no money” yet again yet he continues to go karaoking (two-hour trip there and back each time) with gas up to $4+ and spends $15-20 on food. He always complains that he’s in pain yet he can’t NOT go karaoking to save money for the chiropractor. I knew this would be incredibly difficult and with his mommy starting to cut him short on everything, he’s feeling trapped. Puh-lease! He has more than enough money to get by with everything. It’s amazing that he’s whining that he won’t be able to go out every frickin’ day of the week when my mom and I NEVER get to go anywhere. He’s a real selfish s.o.b. and it’s quite comical that after I swore I would never go to college and I’ve finally turned around and changed my mind, he’s saying “absolutely not! I can’t afford that!” His mommy won’t help pay for college because I won’t go to a community one. I’ve already picked out the college, picked the course, and planned which Degrees I’m getting at what time. I knew that I could not count on him but still. Since he’s screwed up my life so badly (but not irreparably), the least he could do is pay for my college, right? Wrong. Kelly believes that he has absolutely no obligation to me. I’m just “collateral damage” because he hates my mom is exactly what he said. My dog is now collateral damage too seeing as he can’t spend five seconds with her anymore. My dog used to always get 97% more attention than me (the other 2% was a “hello” to my mom and a 1% of a “hello” to me once a week if I got lucky). That was even before any of this started. Now, there’s 98% for everyone else(mostly his mommy), 1% for mom(to settle the divorce), and 1% for my dog. Notice that I am not included in that. He does not say a word to me anymore unless I forcefully stand in front of his tv or catch him(by some miracle) not on the phone(1/200) or his computer(even slimmer). Strangely enough, I’m not getting overwhelmed. I know that I can talk to one of my mom’s friends at any time I need to(kind of like seeing a psychiatrist, only she’s more of a friend(it’s sad that I can’t talk to anyone close to my age about anything because the family friend I talk to is 60 and she’s the only one that understands me so far besides my mom)). You may be wondering what happened to Josh. Well, I honestly don’t know. He kind of just dropped out of the picture again. Josh has a tendency to do that whenever he can’t handle something. It’s kind of funny that he can’t handle his own life while I can handle mine, his, and any other so-called friends’ lives. Sure, I get stressed out and snap every so often, but the amount of times that happens are getting fewer. All I have to do is use logic. I know where I want to go in life, I know it will be hell to get there, and I’m accepting that I won’t have any help to do so. I more than likely will not have kindred spirits (thank you, Anne of Green Gables) to cross my path in life and to inspire me to keep moving forward. All I’ll have is me. Why? Because I’m different from other people. It’s called being a good person. You know, the way the Christians are supposed to behave. I don’t believe in “higher beings” anymore. It’s all science. I do believe that strange things happen for reasons and sometimes things can’t be explained (yet) but the outcome is always for the better, no matter what happens. As much as we’d like to change certain aspects about our lives, it’s not going to happen on the turn of a dime and we most definitely cannot change the past. We can forge a better future for ourselves though. The way I see my friend issue is that if my so-called friends cannot respect me, then there will be no one to disrespect me. I know I repeat myself sometimes on here when I blog but you know what? Repeating oneself helps remind oneself that everything is not completely hopeless. While everyone else has a god on their side, in my opinion I have something far better: faith in myself. ;p
There I go forgetting about blogging yesterday. Oh well, lol. Nothing much really happened anyway. I had strange dreams the other night and they were incredibly random. I’ve never had those dreams before, that’s for sure. The first was about an alien invading and I was trying to convince everyone to make a treaty with him but no one would listen(in the present time). He (the alien) ended up destroying almost all of the county when the civilians tried to capture him. I ended up convincing the alien to escape. The second dream was about a man and his daughter(in the Medieval Times now). The two were magicians, she more powerful than him. The father knew what would become of her if she left their little home in the middle of the forest so he kept her close to him. A forest fire later, his daughter managed to escape his grasp and found her way to a small village where she found her true calling. The end of the dreams because I woke up around four a.m. I’ve been feeling uneasy since last night (in which I dreamt of Eragon, Saphira, and Arya (read Brisingr)). It’s really strange. So! That’s what my two days have been like, excluding any news about Kelly or Josh. I guess I should get to those two topics, eh? Afterall, anyone’s discomfort is someone else’s pleasure. It’s true, if you think about it. Josh and I are kinda-sorta-friends at the moment. I have to keep remembering that he’s not as mature as me so I shouldn’t talk about certain things. It’s extremely annoying because that means I can’t really talk to anyone. I mean, there’s always my mom but she’s stressed out enough as it is. I’ve been trying to talk to Kelly about Financial Aide for college but he literally got home, got a shower, and left. He was here for maybe ten whole minutes. It’s always about Kelly. So, I’m not sure how college is going to turn out since he hates me so much. I guess I’ll have to wait until I’m 50 working as a grocery bagger to be able to afford to go. Either way, I’m going to get trained to become a better writer. A stupid and simple thing like Kelly isn’t going to stand in my way.
I hadn’t realized that my cell phone was broken (it’s not, I’m using sarcasm). Yes, I unfriended Josh on Facebook, blocked him on every Skype account, and posted several things about him but I did figure that he would try to contact me. See how much he really cares? I don’t even need to prove it, it’s obvious. He hasn’t texted or called and this is the second day. If he doesn’t call by midnight, I’m never speaking to him again. I have given him many chances and here I am giving him another, only this time with a time limit. Let’s see if he takes it.
I can’t get it out of my head that Josh absolutely could care less. He hasn’t tried to contact me or anything. Nothing. Nothing. It’s very sad that I manage to always find ‘friends’ like that. I just will not tolerate having my plans blown off for two days straight and with no answer to text messages, phone calls, or any other means of communication. I don’t need people like that in my life. They obviously don’t need my help anymore and they never intended to give any in return. A few months ago, I was extremely upset because I thought my grandpa was going to die because he had to have surgery (not going into details because I’ll never get to my point). I thought people would actually care and say something about it but no. I was lucky to get a “that’s too bad” from Josh. Then quite recently when I thought we had to put our dog (11 years in May) down. I got an “are you ok?” When I stated “no” I got an “oh” and then it was back to everyone but me. I don’t know what’s wrong with people. I hardly ever talk about myself and then when I do, everyone acts like I never spoke to begin with. No, I’m not handling that anymore. Everyone is too selfish and I always do better alone than with someone. I just want to know why, after everything I do for people, they completely disregard everything about me. They’re users and selfish people, I know, but why do I always have to be friends with them? Why can’t I meet someone who’s actually and genuinely decent? Not perfect, but decent. I guess there are none of those people left in the world either.