Well, Kelly decided to throw in one more punch. He’s trying to make it very clear that I will not be starting college on this coming May 2nd but rather that I will be starting March 28th of 2012, if at all. I cannot express how extremely livid I am at the moment. Kelly is now claiming “I have no money, I have no money” yet again yet he continues to go karaoking (two-hour trip there and back each time) with gas up to $4+ and spends $15-20 on food. He always complains that he’s in pain yet he can’t NOT go karaoking to save money for the chiropractor. I knew this would be incredibly difficult and with his mommy starting to cut him short on everything, he’s feeling trapped. Puh-lease! He has more than enough money to get by with everything. It’s amazing that he’s whining that he won’t be able to go out every frickin’ day of the week when my mom and I NEVER get to go anywhere. He’s a real selfish s.o.b. and it’s quite comical that after I swore I would never go to college and I’ve finally turned around and changed my mind, he’s saying “absolutely not! I can’t afford that!” His mommy won’t help pay for college because I won’t go to a community one. I’ve already picked out the college, picked the course, and planned which Degrees I’m getting at what time. I knew that I could not count on him but still. Since he’s screwed up my life so badly (but not irreparably), the least he could do is pay for my college, right? Wrong. Kelly believes that he has absolutely no obligation to me. I’m just “collateral damage” because he hates my mom is exactly what he said. My dog is now collateral damage too seeing as he can’t spend five seconds with her anymore. My dog used to always get 97% more attention than me (the other 2% was a “hello” to my mom and a 1% of a “hello” to me once a week if I got lucky). That was even before any of this started. Now, there’s 98% for everyone else(mostly his mommy), 1% for mom(to settle the divorce), and 1% for my dog. Notice that I am not included in that. He does not say a word to me anymore unless I forcefully stand in front of his tv or catch him(by some miracle) not on the phone(1/200) or his computer(even slimmer). Strangely enough, I’m not getting overwhelmed. I know that I can talk to one of my mom’s friends at any time I need to(kind of like seeing a psychiatrist, only she’s more of a friend(it’s sad that I can’t talk to anyone close to my age about anything because the family friend I talk to is 60 and she’s the only one that understands me so far besides my mom)). You may be wondering what happened to Josh. Well, I honestly don’t know. He kind of just dropped out of the picture again. Josh has a tendency to do that whenever he can’t handle something. It’s kind of funny that he can’t handle his own life while I can handle mine, his, and any other so-called friends’ lives. Sure, I get stressed out and snap every so often, but the amount of times that happens are getting fewer. All I have to do is use logic. I know where I want to go in life, I know it will be hell to get there, and I’m accepting that I won’t have any help to do so. I more than likely will not have kindred spirits (thank you, Anne of Green Gables) to cross my path in life and to inspire me to keep moving forward. All I’ll have is me. Why? Because I’m different from other people. It’s called being a good person. You know, the way the Christians are supposed to behave. I don’t believe in “higher beings” anymore. It’s all science. I do believe that strange things happen for reasons and sometimes things can’t be explained (yet) but the outcome is always for the better, no matter what happens. As much as we’d like to change certain aspects about our lives, it’s not going to happen on the turn of a dime and we most definitely cannot change the past. We can forge a better future for ourselves though. The way I see my friend issue is that if my so-called friends cannot respect me, then there will be no one to disrespect me. I know I repeat myself sometimes on here when I blog but you know what? Repeating oneself helps remind oneself that everything is not completely hopeless. While everyone else has a god on their side, in my opinion I have something far better: faith in myself. ;p
There I go forgetting about blogging yesterday. Oh well, lol. Nothing much really happened anyway. I had strange dreams the other night and they were incredibly random. I’ve never had those dreams before, that’s for sure. The first was about an alien invading and I was trying to convince everyone to make a treaty with him but no one would listen(in the present time). He (the alien) ended up destroying almost all of the county when the civilians tried to capture him. I ended up convincing the alien to escape. The second dream was about a man and his daughter(in the Medieval Times now). The two were magicians, she more powerful than him. The father knew what would become of her if she left their little home in the middle of the forest so he kept her close to him. A forest fire later, his daughter managed to escape his grasp and found her way to a small village where she found her true calling. The end of the dreams because I woke up around four a.m. I’ve been feeling uneasy since last night (in which I dreamt of Eragon, Saphira, and Arya (read Brisingr)). It’s really strange. So! That’s what my two days have been like, excluding any news about Kelly or Josh. I guess I should get to those two topics, eh? Afterall, anyone’s discomfort is someone else’s pleasure. It’s true, if you think about it. Josh and I are kinda-sorta-friends at the moment. I have to keep remembering that he’s not as mature as me so I shouldn’t talk about certain things. It’s extremely annoying because that means I can’t really talk to anyone. I mean, there’s always my mom but she’s stressed out enough as it is. I’ve been trying to talk to Kelly about Financial Aide for college but he literally got home, got a shower, and left. He was here for maybe ten whole minutes. It’s always about Kelly. So, I’m not sure how college is going to turn out since he hates me so much. I guess I’ll have to wait until I’m 50 working as a grocery bagger to be able to afford to go. Either way, I’m going to get trained to become a better writer. A stupid and simple thing like Kelly isn’t going to stand in my way.
I hadn’t realized that my cell phone was broken (it’s not, I’m using sarcasm). Yes, I unfriended Josh on Facebook, blocked him on every Skype account, and posted several things about him but I did figure that he would try to contact me. See how much he really cares? I don’t even need to prove it, it’s obvious. He hasn’t texted or called and this is the second day. If he doesn’t call by midnight, I’m never speaking to him again. I have given him many chances and here I am giving him another, only this time with a time limit. Let’s see if he takes it.
I can’t get it out of my head that Josh absolutely could care less. He hasn’t tried to contact me or anything. Nothing. Nothing. It’s very sad that I manage to always find ‘friends’ like that. I just will not tolerate having my plans blown off for two days straight and with no answer to text messages, phone calls, or any other means of communication. I don’t need people like that in my life. They obviously don’t need my help anymore and they never intended to give any in return. A few months ago, I was extremely upset because I thought my grandpa was going to die because he had to have surgery (not going into details because I’ll never get to my point). I thought people would actually care and say something about it but no. I was lucky to get a “that’s too bad” from Josh. Then quite recently when I thought we had to put our dog (11 years in May) down. I got an “are you ok?” When I stated “no” I got an “oh” and then it was back to everyone but me. I don’t know what’s wrong with people. I hardly ever talk about myself and then when I do, everyone acts like I never spoke to begin with. No, I’m not handling that anymore. Everyone is too selfish and I always do better alone than with someone. I just want to know why, after everything I do for people, they completely disregard everything about me. They’re users and selfish people, I know, but why do I always have to be friends with them? Why can’t I meet someone who’s actually and genuinely decent? Not perfect, but decent. I guess there are none of those people left in the world either.
After the extremely stressful “friendship” with the infamous Joshua Algode, my newest goal is to not bother having any friends. Just because I don’t have any friends, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me. The definition of friend to me is someone who talks to me almost every day of the week, knows all of the “basic” things about me, is punctual to ALL “play-dates” (if not, they at least call), and a few other things. It’s very sad that nobody on Earth fits that right now, and there’s how many people on this planet?! I’m going to focus on college, writing, and everything that’s actually important to me. Too many experiences have shown me that all of the people in my generation are selfish, hateful, disrespectful, foul-mouthed…you get the idea (I could continue on forever). If I was born in another generation, I believe I would be fine but I was brought up to be old-fashioned, mature, and respectful. That’s why I can’t get along with anyone but, again, it is not my fault. I am tired of taking all of the blame as to why no one can get along with me. They’re attracted to me like leeches because they know that I will succeed and they won’t. Well, I’m cutting those leeches off of their food supply. I’m not taking anymore bull shit from anyone. I get enough of that from the family I wish to rid myself of. I don’t need to get that from outsiders who won’t be around me in the next five years. Who cares how I helped them before? They thought they’d seen me angry and ambitious before. I’m just getting started.
The real memorial is Wednesday at the Manatee Civic Center at 6pm. I am not able to attend the event, and I apologize, but I am going to go to Orlando to visit my dying grandpa. I don’t know how long I will be staying there.
I’m so numb right now, it might actually take me several minutes to register what’s going on around me. Maybe by recounting the events where I can actually see them written down will help. So, mom wants to be out of this house by May 1st no matter what. She just got a part-time job as a post-office worker and it’s a great start. Today was Kelly’s mom’s birthday so I texted her but didn’t call her. Kelly was upset about that. Today, Josh was supposed to come over for the day but he cancelled because he felt sick so we made plans for tomorrow. He called me at 9:19pm to tell me he’s thinking of cancelling AGAIN (not just two days in a row but nearly every single time) because, even though he already made plans with me, the temple he goes to needs volunteers to help out with something or other. It’s always something. After I did so much for him and far more than he realizes yet…Mom’s really disappointed and doesn’t want us hanging out anytime soon because she saw how I was today. I’m not even going to write how I felt today because I’m sure everyone has that feeling after being brushed off for something more important. True, that event that he is talking about is not important to me but after plans are already made. I’m really disappointed too. I feel completely unimportant and after feeling like I did all day today, finally making promising plans, and then them just being shoved aside again. I can’t choose for him, and I’m not going to. I left it up to him, and I know what he’s going to choose because he chooses it every time. The temple and everyone else but me. It’s fine. I should be used to it by now. After all, I’ve been ignored my entire life by my biological father that has always lived in the same house as me. Yeah, I’m really upset right now and I will be every time I think of Josh (all the time). I’m not going to handle the stress anymore. I’m just going to let it all flow instead of holding it back with a dam. My own best friend, who knows how punctual I am, who knows I don’t like last-minute plans or changes to plans, who knows that…What am I saying? He should know but I guess he chooses to overlook those things for everyone else’s benefits. I will say this here to everyone and I am not ashamed of it: the only reason I got back into contact with as many people from MSA as possible was because and for Josh. MSA has never shown me kindness and very few of its students ever did. I was rid of everything to do with MSA except those who stood by me for a year and a half! I had (and still have) no reason to turn around and go back. But I did it because Josh would feel better if I was involved and my past friends would also feel better. Why can’t anyone do something selfless for me?
Due to Master Ellis’ murder, I have been getting into contact with as many MSA students as possible. Well, guess what Facebook did to me? They banned me from sending any messages to anyone other than friends and from sending out friend requests for four(4) days. When I try to get ahold of a site manager or anyone behind Facebook, there is no such thing anywhere on the internet. Either that or I’m just a complete nitwit who still can’t find her way around the internet. I am extremely displeased and am planning to leave Facebook permanently this time. I have only ever had trouble with the site and since it is only a smidgen helpful to me, I have no real need of it. There are other sites that are much better and do not ban me from trying to help others virtually. Before I leave Facebook, I will give everyone my e-mail and Skype name. The Fantasy Writers group I have on there is falling into ruin as well but maybe someone else can run it far better. Nothing but bad news all week and Facebook never fails to frustrate me. But it’s a beautiful morning and I hope that brings a little joy to everyone. Master Ellis is saying it’s time to stop mourning for him. He is happy and will always be with us in our memories. Now let your tears be not of sorrow but of joy for him. He did what he set out to do in life and cherish that you knew him. Master Ellis was, and will always be, a great man.